Musings from a (formerly) Silent Actress

All right, full disclosure: I've been silent since my last blog post.  And I mean silent.  Right after that long ago post in March, I woke up sans voice.  First thought, laryngitis.  But then it didn't go away after a week, two weeks, a month.  So off I went to the specialist who diagnosed me with a paralyzed left vocal cord. And while the kind doctor assured me that it really wasn't as traumatic as it sounded and up to two thirds of patients recover fully, my natural dramatic tendencies kicked into overdrive.  Paralyzed....PARALYZED!?! As in, nothing-you-can-do-about-it paralyzed?  The cause was unknown which is normal with this condition and treatment options were limited.  Really, the only treatment available in Canada is injecting a substance (it has a long and complicated medical name that I don't even begin to remember) into the affected vocal cord and even that doesn't make the thing move, it just helps eliminate some of the symptoms.  But doing something, anything appealed to my Type A personality.  So while the thought of having a needle put through my throat caused some panic attacks, I had to do something.

I'm not a huge fan of not having control over my life and career.  Yes, that seems to be at odds with my career choice but for all rights and purposes, I believe that actors do control their careers.  There is always something we can do to be working.  But this condition suddenly brought to light that there are some things I don't and never will have control over.  And it terrified me. Beyond the obvious lack of being able to audition well, any parts I was offered through my wonderful film family, I had to turn down. I didn't know from one day to the next whether my voice would be kinda OK or not at all.  In no way did I want to be responsible for possibly lessening the quality of their finished products. I began to question my abilities and inevitably, my thoughts turned to possible career changes.  Which, of course, nearly killed me.  I'm an actor.  I love acting. How could I possibly consider doing anything else?  I had one spectacular breakdown caused by simply booting up Netflix to watch Arrested Development.  Needless to say, I wasn't a happy camper.

Slowly but surely over the course of three months, those close to me kept insisting that my voice was sounding better.  I refused to believe it, figuring that my right vocal cord was just getting used to compensating for the lazy left one.  But then one day, when I was home alone, I was able to sing.  It wasn't great and it was no where near my usual range but music came out of my mouth.  I nearly cried.  That's when I started to hope.  I had already been doing visualizations of energy running through the nerves of my vocal cord (no one told me to do this, I just figured it couldn't hurt) so this spurred me on to do it more.  It's amazing what even a small shred of evidence of progress can do to a person.

Fast forward to the day I was booked to get the dreaded needle through my throat.  Not only was I scared out of mind (I'm OK with needles, I'm just not OK with needles going through my throat) and nervous about the cost (FYI: not everything is free in a universal healthcare system), I was stressed that I would be doing this procedure every three months until I either healed or they would have to do surgery.  The doctor had explained this wouldn't get my voice back, it would merely make it stronger.  But still my voice was sounding better.  I could get through a day without devolving into silence by five.  So imagine what happened to that small glimmer of hope when I opened my mouth to say hello to the doctor and his immediate response was, "Your voice is better"; it erupted into a full-fledged inferno.  One scope look later pronounced me almost 100% better, no injection required.  The left cord is still a little slow and lazy but it moves.  Trust me, I saw it on the nifty video.  I happy danced and high fived my husband all the way out of the hospital.

So things are looking up.  As one of my besties said when I joyous called her with news, no career change needed.  Call it the power of prayer, visualizations, karma, or whatever, I've woken up each day since sending off oodles of gratitude to the universe.  Cuz, really despite of it all, life is just plain fantastic.  And I'm telling everyone!

Happy creating!

One Small Choice

Recently, I went out for coffee with a friend I haven't seen in fifteen years.  While even just the fact I can say that I have friends that I haven't seen in over a decade is mind-boggling (aren't I still sixteen?), it came to light during our discussion that one of my biggest regrets in life could have been a huge opportunity.  Let me set the stage:

I'm fifteen and accompanying my then boyfriend to an audition in Toronto.  This is HUGE deal because we are from a super small town and he has an actual agent and is being sent on actual auditions.  So cool, right? We have both been acting in our community theatre for years so this sort of thing is amazing to us.  He's excited and nervous but really wants to break into musical theatre.  Like a good teen girlfriend, I helped him with his sides.  Quite frankly, I thought it was the weirdest thing I've ever read, all chock full of mutant teenagers or possibly aliens. But preparing is preparing.

So I'm sitting in the waiting room and the casting director (or possibly assistant.  I was fifteen and didn't really pay attention to anything but my teenaged angst) comes out of the audition room.  She stopped and looked at me for a moment before asking if I wanted to audition.  I giggled nervously and assured her that I was only an amateur actor doing community theatre.  So no auditioning for me.  I was just waiting for someone. 

And that was that.  I've often wondered where my life would have ended up if I had said yes to that casting director.  Would I still be acting?  Would I have met some of my dearest friends?  Would I have met my husband?  But mostly, I shrugged it off as a learning experience.

Turns out that audition for something I thought was kinda weird?  It was for a huge franchise.  I'm talking huge.  They're still making movies for it.  Fifteen. Years. Later.  

New lesson for me: I said "no" to something because I didn't know what it was and I wasn't sure of myself.  By saying "no" to it, I passed on something that could have been life-altering.  I'm not saying that I would have gotten a part but imagine if I had.  Or imagine if I had started along the professional acting path almost a decade sooner than I did.  Would I be in LA now?  I'm not saying it's probable but I am saying it's possible.

So here's the moral of the story.  Don't say "no" just because you don't get it.  Definitely don't say "no" because you don't think you can do it.  Just say "yes" because you never know what mutant franchise starring future Oscar nominees you might be cast in.

Happy creating!

Shameless Self Promotion

It's time for a little bit of sharing!  I did this short film at the end of 2011, against the very lovely backdrop of High Park.  I love this film for a number of reasons: 1) it was the first time I worked with Jay Clarke, the writer, director and producer.  Jay is fan of all things horror and thriller and is a practical institution on the horror scene here; 2) I got to work with my husband again.  We met originally on set so whenever we film together it's like we're recreating that first meeting; 3) my character is something entirely different from what I usually play.  For those actors out there, you know how awesome that is.  Quite often we are cast by our type (read: first impression).  This script let me play outside that boundary.  And I loved it.  And you know you rocked it when your agent gets so into it, she calls your character a name!

Anyway, enjoy Orange!

Happy creating!

The Big Overhaul

You know those moments that just inspire you?  From watching almost instant photos arrive from Mars to crying over this kid's greatness, life can just rock.  For those of you who have been following along either here on the blog or on Facebook or Twitter, you know I'm a pretty positive person.  That's how I choose to live my life.  The key word there is "choose".

Now why is that?  Well, I wasn't always this positive and some days, I'm still not--I'm an actor, for goodness sake.  I've posted before about life changes and people always ask me how I do it.  It's simple: I made a choice.  A choice to not be stuck doing a survival job while waiting for my agent to call me with work.  A choice not to make someone else's dream come true but to focus on mine.  Instead, I work alongside my agent to find new work (PS: it's my career so I better be responsible for it).  I work (although work is the wrong term for something I enjoy so much) my business just a little everyday.   I do it for me and the future me.  'Cuz I sure as hell don't want to wake up one day wondering what if.  That is more terrifying for me than taking a huge risk.  I have only two true regrets in my life and I vowed to never have any more of those.

So I choose to create a life of abundance and one that is mine.  And what really rocks about it, is that after a few months of consistent effort on that front, it's starting to pay off exponentially.  That's right, my life doesn't add, it multiplies.  And that includes financially, artistically, and awesominity. See?  I even get to make up words.

So please, do yourself a favour: ask yourself where you want to be in five years and if what you are doing right now will get you there?  If it will, that's amazing.  If not, change something.  Start putting yourself on that path now.  You don't want to regret not doing now.  And while I have been fortunate enough to make big changes in my life, you don't have to do it that way.  Small things in the nooks and crannies of your day multiply (there's that word again) into huge results.

Take the first terrifying step and repeat until it's not scary anymore.  It's so worth it.

Happy creating!

PS: I'm going to be an aunt (again!) this week!!!  Can't wait to meet and spoil the girls...yes, plural!

From Audition Machine to Booking Maniac

Yeah, baby.  It's music to an actor's ears when that phone rings or email pings with booking news.  I'm so excited to be working on two projects before July ends.  Both will be a different challenge for me as I've never worked in these formats.  Am I being vague?  Yes, sorry but until everything is OK for release, I can't spoil anything!


And all of this to be followed up by a short film in August!  So I guess the web series (both of 'em) that I'm developing are going heading to the back burner again for a few weeks.  I swear, they will be filmed and posted someday in the near future!


Happy creating!

Something Small

It's been a rough week in our household.  Truth be told, it's been a bit hellish on the old Tonya front.  I once read an elegant phrase (thank you, Diana Gabaldon--and forgive me for paraphrasing...) about when you share your soul, you always have a small secret place that is yours alone-- that no matter what happens, that little haven stands to mark what sums up to be you.  You can trust it to shelter your inner most being, to store the things that are important.  I've found that my centre holds not only my values and the images I hold of myself, but also the things that I cherish, that bring me joy. So in order to get things back to normal, I reached down and remembered what it is like to enjoy some simple pleasures.  And, because I know there are those out there having a time that would put Buffy on graduation day to shame, here's my list of little things that can make you appreciate the loveliness of life:


Reading under a tree;
Feeling the breeze from an open window;
A long hug from a loved one;
Cuddles with your pet;
Discovering new places close to home


Happy creating and appreciating



140W
3GoW
10Wake

It's the Most Wonderful Time of Year!

Well, 2011 is wrapping up and I'm looking forward to a great 2012.  This past year has seen some amazing career changes for me.  My life has evolved and my dreams have morphed into obtainable goals.  I can see those not-so- elusive goals hovering just on the horizon and I can't wait to run to catch up to them.


Remember my goals from earlier in the year?  Well, they are on track and speeding along in ways that I could have never imagined almost a year ago.  I work on new acting projects basically every month. I've launched into producing.  I'm writing more.  I'm collaborating with amazing people from around the world who constantly inspire me.  Heck, I got married to my best friend and got to wear a stunning dress while surrounded by my nearest and dearest.  I'm not usually one to throw the word "blessed" around but I can't really describe 2011 in any other way.


There are exciting things coming, my friends and I can't wait to share them with you.  This journey is going to be  a great one.  I can just feel it.


Happy creating!

Zombies!!!!

See my description in About Me in my Twitter profile?  Zombie preparedness is always necessary.  You never know when this might happen:

Happy creating!...or clean removal of the zombie head to ensure a clean kill...whatever...

Audition Metaphor

Ask any actor: auditioning is a weird and difficult process.  It's a constant question or string of questions.  Am I the right type?  Too short?  Too tall?  Do I go big?  Small?  And most importantly, am I telling the story I need to be telling?  Sides are chosen for an audition for a reason.  Usually, they are an important part of the character's story.  This is especially true for leads.  The CD and producers want to see how you handle the character, often at different points in the story.  Auditioning for the waitress who makes a two second appearance halfway through the film?  Guess what.  That role is important too.  Scripts go through so many revisions and characters are edited out and changed constantly.  There is a reason why that waitress is there when she is there.  Hint: check out what's going on with the main characters in the scene.  Make your choices from there.


But what to do when you have to bring out your trusty ol'monologue?  And yes, you should have one or two of those stored in the memory banks.  And be out the look out for more as your type will change as you do.  Sometimes, it's hard getting the story out with your monologue when you only have a couple of minutes and that includes saying hi to those in the room and doing some chatting.  Joel R. Putnam really hits the nail on the head with what to do with shortened audition times and how to adjust your monologue accordingly.  Like with almost everything in life, leave 'em wanting more.  Check out his post below.  It's a great read!


Audition Metaphor


Happy creating!

The Audition Machine

My ramblings here have been more or less silent these last few weeks.  It's not because I haven't wanted to write.  Trust me.  But you know when someone says be careful what you wish for: it might come true?  That has been the definition of my life these past three weeks.


Besides my full time job (yes I still have one of those), I've been doing some serious auditioning.  And then doing some more.  As a friend so rightly defined it, I've been an audition machine.  Thanks Joe.  PS: you should check him out on Twitter.  And his production company.  


For those of you that know me and my schedule well, auditioning isn't out of the norm for me.  I do it quite often, either on projects I've sought out or ones that my amazing agent has submitted me for.  What has been different is the amount of callbacks I'm getting.


I'm walking around right now with a great big grin which just keeps growing with every callback I get.  And what's really awesome is that I know why it's happening.  I think every actor goes through a period when they just don't get there.  They don't sparkle in the room.  Nothing wrong with the read or the acting or the look.  They're just not "it".


I've gone through a long period of this but did some soul searching recently and did some re-focusing on my priorities.  I feel now when I get that call and go into that room, I've settled in.  I'm me and it's great.  Yes, I take my inspiration from a universe of sources--how can you not?  Discovery says it best: the world is just awesome.  But now when I audition, I'm just me.  Goofy, geeky, cheerful, and able to get into a character in a flash.  And it's paid dividends.


So to sum up, I apologize for the long silence.  It's been a great few weeks, filled with great opportunities booked and others in the making.


Oh and if you want to hear more regular updates--you know the ones I can do from my smartphone while waiting to head into the audition room--check me out on Twitter or on my Facebook fan page.


Happy creating!

Are you alone? My Scream moment

Scream was one of the movies of my high school years.  The second movie in the franchise was the first (and only) movie I snuck into because I was technically underage.  Sorry Mom.  I remember being terrified in that opening sequence where Drew Barrymore is, well hacked apart.  Who doesn't harbour a secret fear that someone is watching them while they are alone in a house?


Well, I got to have my Scream moment a couple of weeks ago with a short thriller film.  OK, it was scripted but still cool.  And you'll just have to wait for the full short to be released to know what happens.  For now check out the teaser trailer.

Are you alone?


Happy creating!

Roseanne Speaks: And I Should Know

If you haven't read Roseanne's article on life as woman sitcom creator and star, you probably should.  Best part?  The mental picture of her and George Clooney going Happy Gilmour on a chocolate Number One.


Check it out here: And I Should Know


I hope things will change and maybe they are.  Fingers crossed.  And if not, I know a few woman filmmakers who are ready and waiting to kick the door in.


Happy creating!

Things are Looking up!

So we've struggled.  I mean, we always struggle in this industry but recently, we've struggled a lot.  But times they are a'changing.  OK, realistically we're still gonna struggle.  Deal with it.  It comes with the territory. 


As with Sundance, Cannes is showing that there is life renewed in this field.  People are talking and most importantly, people are buying.  Thank goodness.  But from what I've read, while many of the investors, distributors are the same, how they do business has changed.  Almost losing everything will do that to high-net worth individuals and multi-million dollar companies.  They are looking for well-made films that attract a target audience with controlled budgets.  And this seems to go for everyone from the biggies to the little guys like IFC.


Check it out here with Scott Macaulay's post on US distributors in Cannes.  


Happy creating!

Wanna sneak peek at a new pilot?

OK so you may have actually already seen it but ABC has got at least one new ridiculously creative series coming up this fall.  If you haven't heard of "Once Upon a Time", you should probably look it up.  Seriously.  Released on your TV screen by the creative minds of Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis (ever heard of a little show called "Lost"?), get ready for ever after as fairy tale meets modern world.


There are evil queens, enchanted forests, and princesses but they don't know it.  Oh my!  Locked into a town called Storybrooke, the cast of characters have forgotten who they are and the only one who can save them is modern world gal Emma Stone.  Now it's actually more complicated than that with a long lost son and a curse involved but you can read the press release as well as I can to get the deets.


So why am I excited for this?  My nearest and dearest know that I'm a sucker for fantasy shows that take me into other worlds than this.  If someone (please) made The Dark Tower books into a long running series, I'd be right there, signing up to play Susan Delgado--hint, hint Mr. King.  Or barring that, tuning in each week to be transported away.  I love well thought out universes which is probably why I still watch shows like Buffy, Angel, and the X-Files with rapt attention.  And "Once Upon a Time", on a first sneak peek basis, seems to have that level of attention to detail.  


More than that, I'm curious to know if it makes me think a little.  "Lost" certainly did, despite my less-than-enthusiastic reaction to the finale. I want my brain to be twisted a bit between episodes.  That is what makes me talk about a series.  I mean, really talk about a series, not just wonder what the hell they were thinking.  Anyone remember the feeling when Dawn suddenly appeared on Buffy?  I loved that and I'm hoping that the deliberate mash up of storybook epic weirdness and the hum drum of everyday will do the same for "Once Upon a Time".


And besides all of the above?  I love most of what Robert Carlyle does.  He freaked me out as Hitler and made me giggle as a male stripper (or wanna be male stripper).  So seeing him as Rumplestiltskin?  Yeah, sign me up for that.


So check out the trailer for the pilot and let me know what you think!  I promise I don't have any evil cider here if I don't agree with your opinion.  I save my evil for other things, remember?


Happy creating and ever after!

The Impatient Actor

Like most actors I know, I can get really impatient when waiting for things to happen.  If you work in this industry, you know there is a lot of "hurry up and wait" and at the moment, I'm at the wait part.  Which I suck at.  A couple of weeks ago, my life was a flurry of auditions and congratulatory emails and text messages.  I have one project booked to start in a couple of weeks and am on hold for a commercial.  So here I sit.  


Waiting.  Waiting.  Waiting...


Happy creating!

Controversy Swirling

So I just found out that a Netflix commercial I did a few months ago has caused some controversy.  A men's rights group in the USA has taken offense to the spot and has some people boycotting Netflix.  First, after the initial shock that anyone would take a satirical commercial based on absolute fantasy so seriously, I began to read the comments on the edited version of the commercial they released.  Get ready for it.


I'm evil.


Yes, I am.  Supposedly, it's something in either the eyes or my aura that gives it away.  Damn.  I guess I gotta switch eyeliner from "Evil Feminist Master Mind Kohl" to "Loves Puppies and Rainbows Green". 


So here's what I have to say to it.  First, TV and the commercials that air both on it and Internet aren't real.  This really shouldn't be news to anyone but thought I would make that completely clear.  If anyone does think that women really want to order their babies from an online movie rental service, I suggest they go talk to some women.  Most I know are looking forward to pregnancy and childbirth, despite the risks of it.  And those that aren't, newflash, they aren't looking to have children anyway.  And those women who desperately want children and cannot conceive through traditional methods?  You're right.  They don't really need men.  Invitro and adoption are options for them but I can tell you now that most women in that situation are heartbroken they can't conceive the traditional way.  You know, the way that needs men.


Second, I can assure you the writers, crew, actors, and Netflix (although I haven't spoken to them but feel secure in saying it) don't have a master plan to eradicate men from the planet.  Honest.  Cross my heart.


The truth of it is while being called evil by people I don't know does sting, I'm trying to see this as something to learn from.  That not everyone will always like everything I do.  Bad reviews will come.  People will get the wrong idea from a comment or action.  This is just my first lesson in it as I work along this path.


PS: I do love puppies and rainbows by the way.


Happy creating!..you know, both creatively and otherwise....

Successes and Failures

So I've had a pretty interesting week and a half.  After a lull in auditions, I suddenly got two in a week.  Actually two in one day.  Which just happened to coincide with an appointment to find bridesmaids dresses.  But auditions are auditions and my artist soul tells me to never say no and just do it.  And to top it all off, I was called into the second audition partly due to my resume and reel but also on personal recommendation.  Yeah.  So someone else's personal reputation was on the line with my performance.  Let's play a game and take a guess how that one went.


It bombed.  Entirely.  Not really sure why as the lines were secure in my head, I had made character choices.  But as I walked into the room, the "sparkle" left.  And that's the only way I can describe it.  I took the director's notes and incorporated them into my performance but still no go.  Blah. Boring. Blah.


So now I agonize over it.  Berating myself for sucking so horribly and hey, maybe I shouldn't even do this acting thing.  Honestly, who am I fooling?  


Then a tiny little red and white star appears beside my email on my Blackberry.  And I open up my new messages.  The message read something like, "Hey Tonya, we loved you and want to offer you the part.  Script to come soon, from the first casting director from the first audition".  So during my insecure neurotic ramblings about my second audition performance, my brain had completely decided to ignore the kickass audition I did first thing that day.  The audition I knew I had hit out of the park.


Moral of the story?  Sometimes that insecure voice that we all actors have needs to be thrown against the wall and put in its place.  Like tossed over a cliff or hung by its toe nails.


Happy creating!

Wanna Make a Movie?

Then do your homework.  Honestly.  I'm all for picking up that camera and making something cool.  Go grab your buddies and shoot a scene for YouTube.  That's how you explore and learn your craft.  By doing it.  But if you want to make more than a film but a movie, one where people want to pay to come see it, do some leg work.


What do I mean by that?  Work with people who are professionals.  This isn't always expensive, trust me but if you don't personally know any professionals, you'll probably have to pay for their services.  This goes for that great DoP, actress, AD,  or lawyer.  Some times you really do get what you pay for.  And if you are looking to raise a bunch a'moola for your film, you may need to be prepared to invest some of your hard earned cash into making your pitch and package be the best they can possibly be.  Folks with tons of money got tons of money by being wise with their investments and probably won't give it to someone who just thinks their movie is going to be cool.


So don't rush headlong into it.  Most of my friends and family know I'm not the most patient person in the world but I'm learning that this industry is marked in decades, not weeks or months.  So do your research and know who and what your resources are and gather them.  If you don't much about pre-sales, gap financing, or writer contracts, find someone who does and get some help.  And maybe your film will be a great movie with some money behind it.


Now, anyone know a great lawyer?


Happy creating!

Meg Ryan to Make Directing Debut

I love when women take the helm...or camera, I guess.  I know Meg Ryan gets a lot of flack about being the former rom-com queen etc etc but I've always loved her on screen so I'm just as excited to see this next phase of her career develop.  Hey, Meg!  Need a cute redhead?


Meg Ryan to Make Directing Debut Women and Hollywood


Happy creating!

Again with the self promotion...

So it's official folks!  Netflix bought our commercials and yours truly is coming to an online video source near you.  Soon (maybe now) you can see the ads we filmed about a month ago before the video you actually wanted to see plays.  Sorry about interrupting your online video experience but I hope at least you get a giggle out them!

NETBABY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USrKRE15kks

NETCOMMUTE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOsH2_XtU7Q

NETOUTFIT

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fo_8S4bxkm8

Happy creating!